Monthly Archives: December 2013
Ten on Tuesday: Ten Worst Christmas Songs
Ten on Tuesday this week is ten housekeeping shortcuts. I don’t have two housekeeping shortcuts, let alone ten, so I’m subbing.
Let me just say, I didn’t go searching for these. They play these at my work (retail chain). Just keep that in mind.
10) Merry Christmas Baby by The Four Topps.
Couldn’t find video of this one. It’s not the song itself, really, but the porn bass that starts the song out. It’s kind of scary.
9) Christmas Wish by 98 Degrees.
Again, is this song the worst song ever, of course not! It’s just so poppy and wholesome. And they actually play it at my work! But it’s nothing compared to
8) Purple Snowflakes by Marvin Gay
All the drugs! Seriously, how many drugs do you think it takes to make you see purple snowflakes? It’s not a bad song, I just don’t know why I can’t see the pretty purple snowflakes!
7) Christmas List by Simple Plan
Me. Me, me, me. I want. Me, me, me, I want, me, me, me. ME, ME, ME. ME. ME! ME. MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
6) This Christmas by Macy Gray
Rasp. Has Macy quite smoking yet? Somebody buy that girl some Nicorette.
5) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Eddie Dunstedter
Does this song belong on this list? I’m kind of in turmoil. It’s actually so bad it’s good! Well, it’s staying because I already went through all the work to get the link, but this is actually kind of awesome. See? It’s a fine line.
4) Santa Can You Hear Me by Britney Spears
There’s a whole category of these “all I want for Christmas” “I’m nothing without a man in my life” kinds of songs. Also, Britney, what do you want Santa to do exactly? Kidnap some dude (“does this smell like chloroform to you?”) stick a bow on him and leave him under your tree, tied up in all likelihood? What exactly do you expect Santa to do about your love life? Cause he’s not busy enough on Christmas? And why are you praying to him? He’s not Jesus, for f@#+s sake!
And speaking of date rape…
3) It’s Cold Outside by Louis Armstrong and Velma Middleton
it’s rape-y in here (do not watch unless you are comfortable perceiving Louis Armstrong in a new, very pervy way).
This song has always been a little weird. Adding canned audience laughter and a dance beat doesn’t help. There’s also an ad libbed part where Velma protests, “but I didn’t tell Momma and Daddy where I was going!” And Louis Armstrong proceeds to laugh maniacally, repeatedly. “At least I’m gonna say that I tried! Momma, get the rape kit ready!”
2) Santa Baby by Jhene
terrible (worst version of this song ever)
I seriously considered giving this the top slot. What I did for all the rest of these songs, besides suffer through them for the last month, was after I got the idea to do this post, I would use Shazam to find out who sang it. Well, it couldn’t find it for this song. I almost left it out, but it’s so awful! So I just spent twenty minutes on youtube, clicking through different versions. I can, without a doubt asy this is the worst version of this song.
Why? Well, there’s the dance beat. The whiny pop star version of vocals. And the awful essence of the song that taints the soul of anyone who attempts to cover it. (Except Eartha Kitt. I don’t like her version either, but she is the only one whose soul is unblemished by this pestilence of a song.)
The only person who can sing this song without coming off sounding like a money-grubbing whore is (brace yourselves) Taylor Swift. I hate her so much, but I have to admit she makes it sound perky and virginal. What an actress.
1) Christmas Past, Present and Future by Ashlee Simpson
somebody has a loose understanding of Dickens
This is it. The big enchilada. This song has zero redeeming features. It’s not a cover, so you can’t even remember how well that one guy sang it. It’s got whiny vocals and emo lyrics. “By your side I’ll be”? Who talks like that?
Shitty punk girl affectations plus terrible lyrics plus shameless ripoff of Christmas Carol. Then there’s that ineligible little bit at the end that just goes right up my spine every time I hear it. Skip to the end If you can stomach it. If you did, you have the fortitude of a hulk.
When I found out this was Ashlee Simpson, it was like I’d reached enlightenment. Of course. It could only be her. She’s like the Neo of shitty music. The One. Where other mewling preteens can only attempt to be terrible, she is utter, talentless mucous.
Hope that wasn’t too harsh! It’s been on my mind for a while, obviously! Now that that’s off my chest, I can focus on all the things I like about the season! Here’s my favorite Christmas song, to end.
I love this arrangement, and the way the song fit into the episode. If you never watched The West Wing, start the video at a minute in and ignore the dialogue. And then go watch The West Wing. Great Christmas episodes!
Brown Coat Knitter 